Counselling after an affair
An affair is one of the most painful things a relationship can go through, and one of the most common reasons couples seek counselling. It affects both partners, often in very different ways, and it is very hard to find a way through on your own.
Affair recovery counselling gives you a structured, safe place to talk about what happened, understand how you got here, and decide what comes next. The psychologists and counsellors in attendance at Brisbane Counselling Centre draw on the Gottman Method, a research-based approach to rebuilding trust after betrayal, alongside individual therapy for the intense distress that often follows discovery.
Please call (07) 3831 4452 to speak with one of our friendly team members about which practitioner would suit you.
Written and clinically reviewed by Natascha Madden, Registered Psychologist (AHPRA reg. PSY0000953827), Brisbane Counselling Centre. Last reviewed: October 2026
Can a relationship recover from an affair?
Yes, many couples do, and some go on to build a stronger and more honest relationship than they had before. Recovery is most likely when the affair has ended, the partner who had the affair takes full responsibility, and both people commit to the work.
Recovery is rarely a straight line. There will be good weeks and very hard ones. Counselling does not decide the outcome for you. Some couples work through it and stay together, and some decide to separate. Either way, counselling helps you make that decision with a clearer head and with less damage to yourselves and any children.
What counts as an affair?
An affair is a breach of the agreements a couple has about their relationship, involving someone outside it. What counts differs between couples, but affairs are usually described as:
- Emotional – a close, secret emotional intimacy with another person, without a physical relationship.
- Physical or sexual – sexual contact with someone outside the relationship.
- Online – sexting, dating apps, intimate messaging or online relationships.
Secrecy and broken trust are what make any of these so painful. Some people also experience a partner’s hidden, compulsive use of pornography as a betrayal. If this is part of your situation, see porn addiction counselling.
How it can feel after discovering an affair?
For the partner who has been betrayed, discovery often feels like a trauma. It is common to experience:
- Shock, disbelief and numbness
- Intrusive images and thoughts about the affair
- Going over and over what happened, and questioning your own memory of the relationship
- Checking phones, emails or locations, and feeling constantly on alert
- Difficulty sleeping, eating or concentrating
- Swinging between rage, grief, wanting to leave and wanting closeness
- A heavy blow to your self-esteem
Some clinicians use terms such as “betrayal trauma” or “post-infidelity stress” to describe this. They are not formal diagnoses, but the symptoms can closely resemble post-traumatic stress, and they respond well to treatment. Read more about trauma and PTSD, EMDR, anxiety and depression.
If you are the partner who had an affair
It is common to feel intense guilt and shame, fear of losing your partner and family, and confusion about why you did it. Some people also grieve the end of the affair, which can feel impossible to admit. You may feel impatient when recovery takes longer than you hoped, or defensive when the same questions come up again.
Individual counselling gives you a confidential place to understand what led to the affair and to learn how to stay present and accountable while your partner heals. That is often what makes couples recovery possible.
How does affair recovery counselling work?
Counselling usually begins with an assessment, including separate time with each partner. This helps the practitioner understand the relationship, and check that couples work is safe. If there is violence, threats or controlling behaviour in the relationship, individual support comes first.
Many practitioners then follow the three phases of Drs John and Julie Gottman’s approach to rebuilding trust:
1. Atone
The affair ends, and the partner who had it takes full responsibility, without blaming or minimising. The hurt partner’s questions are answered honestly in a structured, supported way, and their pain is heard. Transparency, such as openness about phones and whereabouts, helps rebuild a sense of safety.
2. Attune
The couple works on how they communicate, handle conflict and turn towards each other. Together they look at what made the relationship vulnerable, without shifting responsibility for the affair onto the hurt partner.
3. Attach
The couple rebuilds emotional and physical intimacy and creates what the Gottman’s describe as a new relationship, with new agreements and a shared sense of where they are heading.
Individual sessions often run alongside couples’ sessions. Read more on the Gottman Method and couples and marriage counselling pages.
What helps in the first few weeks?
- Avoid major decisions straight away if you can, such as moving out, selling a house or telling everyone. Give yourselves time to think clearly.
- End all contact with the affair partner and agree how any contact they initiate will be handled.
- Ask about the why, not only the detail. Understanding how and why it happened tends to help healing. A lot of details often feed intrusive images. A counsellor can help you work out what you need to know.
- Keep children out of adult details. They need to know they are loved and safe, not the specifics.
- Choose one or two trusted people to confide in, rather than many.
- Look after the basics: sleep, food, movement and time away from the topic.
Fees, Medicare and booking?
Couples sessions are $290 to $370, depending on the practitioner. Medicare does not rebate couples or relationship counselling, even with a registered psychologist. Some private health extras policies do. If one partner has an individual Mental Health Treatment Plan, their individual sessions may be eligible for a Medicare rebate. See the Fees & Rebates page.
- Call (07) 3831 4452 or complete the enquiry form. Our reception team will suggest a practitioner with experience in affair recovery. You do not need a referral.
- Decide who is coming first. You can start as a couple, or one of you can start individually. Reception can help you work out which suits your situation.
- Attend your first session, in Spring Hill or online.
Brisbane Counselling Centre is at Level 7, 87 Wickham Terrace, Spring Hill, about five minutes’ walk from Central Station, and is open Monday to Friday 7:30am to 5:30pm and Saturday 8:30am to 5:00pm. Meet the psychologists and counsellors.
If you are experiencing violence or controlling behaviour in your relationship, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 (24 hours). In an emergency, call 000.
Frequently asked questions
Can a marriage survive an affair?
How long does it take to recover from an affair?
Should we see a counsellor together or separately after an affair?
What if my partner will not come to counselling?
Is affair recovery counselling covered by Medicare?
How much does couples counselling after an affair cost?
What is the Gottman approach to affair recovery?
Will the counsellor take sides?
Should I ask for all the details of the affair?
Can counselling help if we decide to separate?
Can we do affair recovery counselling online?
Can I get help if I am the one who had the affair?
Is couples counselling safe if there is violence or control in the relationship?
Therapy can help
Speaking with a trained professional who cares can help you work through what is happening for you after an affair has occurred, enabling you to recover from the betrayal you’ve experienced, both as an individual and within your marriage or relationship. Psychologists and counsellors at Brisbane Counselling Centre can help you grow from this intense emotional experience.
Please call to speak with one of our friendly team members to discuss your needs further.
